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Having a miscarriage - How it feels

After having a difficult time with the (breech) birth of my baby and a severe depression, I was very happy to be pregnant again. To me, this felt like I could do the maternity period all over again as I hardly remember this time with my baby girl.

The first few weeks were exciting. I hardly had any symptoms except for sore breast. My psychiatrist told me it was ok to keep using the antidepressants for my depression, which was a huge relief. When she told me this I could finally enjoy this pregnancy a little more.

As I was very insecure about everything, I had an early ultrasound to check if everything was ok. This was planned at 7 weeks pregnancy. I was very nervous about this appointment as I know it will become more real to me when I see this tiny human growing inside of me.

The waiting in the office for the appoint felt a bit weird as we also had a 6-month-old with us. Lucky for us, we did not have to wait very long. The ultrasound operator asked us a few questions and we were ready for the ‘real’ work. First, she tried it externally but as the pregnancy was still very early, nothing was detected. She did a second attempt internally. This way the fetus was found quickly. The heartbeat was fast and strong. Again a huge relief for me. It was so special to watch this small clump of cells of about 1cm big which would become a human being. I saw my girl for the first time at 13 weeks pregnancy. By then everything was already there. Now that I saw this tiny human inside of me. I felt pregnant for real.

 

About a week after the ultrasound I lost a few drops of brownish blood. This scared me and I immediately called my midwife. She told me this can happen when you cough or sneeze and that there was, unfortunately, nothing they could do. This reassured me a bit.

The next day, I lost more blood. This time it was bright red. I immediately knew something was off. I cried all day and my belly felt really weird the whole day (now I know this were contractions). The bleeding got more severe and I had to use a sanitary pad.

 

Towards the end of the day, I felt the fetus leave my body.

 

This was so surreal and I will never forget what it felt like. It was about 2cm in size and the membrane around it was still intact. It was such a weird feeling to see my child that way. I took pictures and got to bury my child next to the birth tree of the big sister. Every time I see that tree I think about my baby. Even though this was a horrible time, the way it went I got to say my goodbyes and have some closure. 

The time after the miscarriage was hard. It happened a few days before Christmas which made the holidays no fun. Lots of mandatory family visits with babies and pregnant women. This was very difficult for me. Luckily, there were a few who also had a miscarriage or have had a PND so there was some understanding of the way I felt. In the next weeks, I saw my psychiatrist a lot because I had a big set back. I cried a lot, suffered from anxiety and barely slept. Only after about 6 weeks, I started to feel a little better.  

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Comments: 4
  • #1

    Dana (Wednesday, 21 November 2018 19:49)

    Wow, mama, your bravery is so amazing. Thank you for sharing your story to all of us mamas out there. I think it is so important to share these moments with others, to help ease the burden we are carrying. Stay strong and know that you have so much support out there!

  • #2

    Jenn (Thursday, 22 November 2018 02:22)

    I’m so sorry this happened to you. I recently wrote about my own experience.

  • #3

    Jessica (Thursday, 22 November 2018 22:17)

    I am so sorry for your loss. I have had three miscarriages, so I know how devastating they are. I also have three beautiful children who I am so thankful for everyday! Know that there are so many other mamas who have walked in your shoes. Take care of yourself - you are not alone in this and how you are feeling.

  • #4

    Ya (Tuesday, 27 November 2018 11:48)

    I’m so sorry for you! Those who done go through it are ignorant to the feeling so your story will open some eyes, hearts and minds. Thank you for sharing.