After having a difficult time with the (breech) birth of my baby and a severe depression, I was very happy to be pregnant again. To me, this felt like I could do the maternity period all over again as I hardly remember this time with my baby girl.
The first few weeks were exciting. I hardly had any symptoms except for sore breast. My psychiatrist told me it was ok to keep using the antidepressants for my depression, which was a huge relief. When she told me this I could finally enjoy this pregnancy a little more.
As I was very insecure about everything, I had an early ultrasound to check if everything was ok. This was planned at 7 weeks pregnancy. I was very nervous about this appointment as I know it will become more real to me when I see this tiny human growing inside of me.
The waiting in the office for the appoint felt a bit weird as we also had a 6-month-old with us. Lucky for us, we did not have to wait very long. The ultrasound operator asked us a few questions and we were ready for the ‘real’ work. First, she tried it externally but as the pregnancy was still very early, nothing was detected. She did a second attempt internally. This way the fetus was found quickly. The heartbeat was fast and strong. Again a huge relief for me. It was so special to watch this small clump of cells of about 1cm big which would become a human being. I saw my girl for the first time at 13 weeks pregnancy. By then everything was already there. Now that I saw this tiny human inside of me. I felt pregnant for real.
About a week after the ultrasound I lost a few drops of brownish blood. This scared me and I immediately called my midwife. She told me this can happen when you cough or sneeze and that there was, unfortunately, nothing they could do. This reassured me a bit.
The next day, I lost more blood. This time it was bright red. I immediately knew something was off. I cried all day and my belly felt really weird the whole day (now I know this were contractions). The bleeding got more severe and I had to use a sanitary pad.
Towards the end of the day, I felt the fetus leave my body.
This was so surreal and I will never forget what it felt like. It was about 2cm in size and the membrane around it was still intact. It was such a weird feeling to see my child that way. I took pictures and got to bury my child next to the birth tree of the big sister. Every time I see that tree I think about my baby. Even though this was a horrible time, the way it went I got to say my goodbyes and have some closure.
The time after the miscarriage was hard. It happened a few days before Christmas which made the holidays no fun. Lots of mandatory family visits with babies and pregnant women. This was very difficult for me. Luckily, there were a few who also had a miscarriage or have had a PND so there was some understanding of the way I felt. In the next weeks, I saw my psychiatrist a lot because I had a big set back. I cried a lot, suffered from anxiety and barely slept. Only after about 6 weeks, I started to feel a little better.