After my first miscarriage right before Christmas 2017, it took a while before it got me thinking again about a brother or sister for my baby girl. Despite my depression, it took a few weeks before I felt better again. After a while, I felt so good that I tried to reduce my antidepressants. Unfortunately, this was not successful but I felt good again and getting pregnant popped into my head again.
2 months later I was holding a positive pregnancy test (again). I felt a little happy but also very anxious. The thought ‘what if it goes wrong again’ kept circling in my head. I did not dare to call the midwife for an appointment as to me it gets more real once I made that appointment and I am only pregnant for real once I have seen that tiny human in my belly. In short, everything I should do once you find out you are pregnant I held off. I did take a pregnancy multivitamin for folic acid so it was not completely irresponsible. I also did not suffer from severe pregnancy symptoms so I felt pretty good. In fact, I felt so good, that the three of us went on a camping trip one weekend.
During this trip, it all went south, unfortunately. It started with a little blood loss which doesn’t have to mean anything but my subconscious knew better. We immediately went home when it started. The bleeding got worse when I got home and I could only cry. I felt so weird and empty. I also started to doubt everything. Maybe something went wrong during the removal of the placenta after the breech birth. Maybe something was damaged during that surgery. Maybe my medication is causing the miscarriages. Thoughts like these kept spinning in my head.
When I felt a little better I made an appointment with my physician. She was very understanding fortunately and really wanted to help me. She also ensured me that my medication did not cause the miscarriages as she has several pregnant women who use the same brand of antidepressants. She told me that they only investigate when you have had at least 3 miscarriages but she could give a gynecologist a call for some extra information. The latter I appreciated a lot and she would call me back afterward.
The phone call the next day reassured me somewhat. The genealogist told my physician that it was positive that I could get pregnant but it was also very likely that if they would investigate further, that they would not find anything. In short, I just had a lot of bad luck, unfortunately.
Another downside of having multiple miscarriages is that I no longer dare to do I pregnancy test. A while ago I had a cycle of 6 weeks but I couldn’t make myself do a pregnancy test. (un)Fortunately (?) I got my period but I felt a bit weird about it. I hope this also just needs some time.